Do you know how to ruin my buying or customer service experience? After I’ve left my pleasurable interaction with your product, hit me with a customer service SURVEY. Even worse be that company where I start to DREAD having interactions with you because I know it will follow EVERY TIME with a survey request in my inbox. Even your poor employees have to guilt trip us, “If you take this receipt and go online…” Who the fuck even does that on a receipt?
Look I wanted something from your company, I got it, but it’s over for now. Quit stalking me and following me home to my email. Let me go enjoy this “thing” we interacted for. You’re like the girlfriend who after sex demands we have to have some long logical conversation. Look I just wanted to get laid, not fill out a fucking 50-page questionnaire afterward. Companies are like “Hey, you had fun with us, now here’s some work, we’re needy and we need more.” It ruins it. It actually ironically ruins the customer service experience when it thinks its trying to do the exact opposite.
Any day now they’ll start making Customer Service Surveys FOR the Customer Service Survey on “how Bob did.” “Thanks for filling out Bobs Customer Survey, can you please fill out this Customer Survey on how Bobs Customer Survey did.” Because nothing could reduce customer satisfaction more than 50 fucking surveys that actually ruin any good experience you might have had. Thats where its headed folks.
Seriously nothing makes me regret/hate my buying experience more than getting the dreaded customer service survey. And then I have to feel GUILTY, cause “Bob” might lose his job if I don’t help him out when in reality him being nice to me was just him doing his paid job. “Oh boy, I don’t want “Bob” to get fired, I better spend an hour saving “Bob” from his asshole bosses that sent this! Its even worse when on phone calls the customer service agent has to almost beg as his job depends on it if he doesnt get enough of them filled out positive. Then you have to feel guilty over it, “Oh fuck I gotta watch for that emails to fulfill that verbal contract I made with “Bob” so I could get him off the phone.” I dont want the blood of “Bobs” starving children on my hands. Its clingy shit man. Like everyone who talked loved the experience and ignored the survey in the glow of the moments, the one asshole who does a negative survey on “Bob” gets him fired. Guilt trip time: Way to go people you fucked over nice guy “Bob!” The next time you go there and you dont see “Bob” you have to wonder if it was because of YOU.
Remember the old days when “Bob” would just be evaluated internally by a Manager. Like when the fuck did I become “Bobs” boss working for free with overtime when I come home. What kinda bullshit is this? I just wanna buy stuff not run your fucking company. I just want to get my Caramel Macchiato, Venti, Skim, Extra Shot, Extra-Hot, Extra-Whip, Sugar-Free fucking coffee and not have to worry if “Bob’s” banging “Mary” on the copier and I gotta fucking write him up. I dont fucking care, give me my coffee and leave me alone. Management is YOUR JOB.
Even worse is the “You could win a $50 gift card by answering this customer service questionnaire” financial cock tease with the small letters it says “to a limited number.” This is something that you have a better chance of getting the $15,000,000 from the lost uncles Nigerian Bank email, than you do winning that survey prize. Like with a normal life wins that? I’ve never met anyone who has. Fuck off. Companies need to quit treating customers and employees like manipulative playthings. I LOVE the companies that DONT send surveys, that’s what its become. Let me enjoy your product, bask in the glow and knock it off.
